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Gender roles, identity and dysphoria in children

Key facts

  • Your child's gender identity is their sense of who they are.
  • Most children start to understand their gender identity at around 3 to 4 years of age.
  • Gender roles are what society expects of males and females.
  • Gender roles can impact your child's development and influence their experiences later in life.
  • Being a positive role model and respecting your child's gender identity can support their wellbeing.

    • What is gender?

    It's common for people to think that the terms 'sex' and 'gender' are the same, but they mean different things.

    Your sex refers to your physical anatomy at birth. You will be assigned male, female, or intersex (Opens in new tab), depending on your external genitals (sex organs).

    Your gender identity is your sense of who you are. Your child may identify as a boy, a girl, or another gender. Gender identity can also be fluid. This means that it can change over time, and in different places.

    What are gender roles and stereotypes?

    Gender roles are responsibilities that are expected of your assigned sex.

    Gender stereotypes are characteristics that are expected of your assigned sex.

    Gender roles and stereotypes are socially constructed. This means that they reflect what society thinks is appropriate for a specific sex or gender identity. Gender roles can change and vary with:

    • place and location
    • cultural norms and traditions
    • time

    Gender roles are often presented through:

    • toys
    • sports and games
    • clothes
    • books
    • media
    • education
    • other people, like your child's teachers and family members

    This means that your child may learn about gender roles from a very young age.

    When do children become aware of gender?

    Most children start to understand their gender identity at around 3 to 4 years of age. They will express their identity through their play, behaviour and choices.

    For most children, their gender identity will match their sex. They might choose things that are traditionally associated with their assigned sex, like:

    • toys
    • colours
    • clothes

    They may also prefer to play with other children who are the same sex as themselves. For example, boys may play together with trucks and girls may play together with dolls.

    How can gender roles impact my child?

    Pressures from gender roles can impact your child.

    Your child may see gender roles as rules they need to follow, based on their sex and gender. This can impact their:

    • behaviours
    • likes
    • dislikes
    • expectations

    It can also limit your child's experiences and development. Your child may be led to choose certain toys, books and activities based on gender roles.

    This can impact their expectations and choices later in life, including:

    • their self-esteem and confidence
    • their relationships
    • their academic and career goals

    How can I model positive gender roles for my child?

    It's important to be a good role model for your child. This is because children often copy adult role models such as their parents or teachers. There are many ways you can model positive gender roles.

    Gender roles may make your child think that there are 'men's jobs' and 'women's jobs'. Let your child see you doing a variety of tasks that may not be typical of your gender.

    Encourage other adults in their life to do both 'men's jobs' like mowing the lawn and 'women's jobs' like cooking and cleaning.

    Your child may also be exposed to stereotypes that one gender is better at certain things. It's important to tell your child that:

    • people of any gender can do well at different things
    • they have the freedom to follow the sports or activities (Opens in new tab) that interest them
    • it's OK if their interests are not what their gender would traditionally be interested in

    How can I help break gender stereotypes?

    Praise your child and those around them for all good behaviours, no matter if they are stereotypically male or female. This might include if they are:

    • neat and tidy
    • courageous
    • kind
    • physically active

    Give your child a wide range of toys to play with, such as:

    • trucks
    • dolls
    • action figures
    • blocks

    You can also give your child games and books that are gender neutral or show people in non-stereotypical roles, like a female fire fighter or male nurse.

    Other things you can do include:

    • using gender-neutral terms such as 'fire fighter' rather than 'fireman'
    • encouraging your child to be friends with everyone
    • encouraging them to try a range of activities

    These things can help your child break gender stereotypes when they want to be themself.

    Diversity in gender expression

    Your child might show diversity in the way they express their gender. This might include:

    • a preference for toys typically associated with another sex
    • a preference for clothes typically worn by another sex
    • certain behaviours, for example a young female standing up to urinate (wee)

    This does not necessarily mean that they have a different gender identity. It's normal for children to experiment with gender roles and make sense of their place in the world.

    What is gender incongruence?

    Having a gender identity that is different to your biological sex is called gender incongruence (Opens in new tab).

    When your child's gender identity is the same as their sex assigned at birth, this is called being cisgender.

    People with gender incongruence may use many different terms to describe their identity, including:

    • transgender (or trans)
    • nonbinary
    • gender diverse

    About 3 in 100 Australian high school-aged children identify as gender diverse.

    What should I do if I think my child is gender diverse?

    Some gender diverse and trans children express their diversity from a very young age. Others don't express a gender diverse or trans identity until they are older.

    Talk to your child about their identity

    If your child continues to show preference for a different gender identity than the one assigned at birth, don't rush to label them. First, you can talk with them (Opens in new tab) and ask them about their feelings. This can help them feel safe to talk about their identity.

    Letting your child express themselves encourages positive self-esteem. Let them share things with you at their own pace, and:

    • do not shame your child's gender expression
    • do not allow others in your family ridicule your child's gender expression
    • do not prevent your child from expressing their gender in public

    If you think that your child is gender diverse or trans, you can support them by using gender affirming language. Show your admiration for your child's identity and how they express it.

    Using gender affirming language

    Understanding and using your child's preferred name and pronouns is gender affirming and respectful.

    Pronouns are words that we use for people when we're not using their name. The most common pronouns are she/her and he/him. These are 'gendered' pronouns.

    Pronouns can also be 'gender-neutral'. The most common gender-neutral pronouns used are they/them. Neopronouns are newer gender-neutral pronouns, such as:

    • ze/zir (said: zhee/zhere)
    • xe/xem (said: zhee/zhem)

    People may use one set of pronouns, or a combination of pronouns.

    Gender-neutral pronouns (they/them) are also a polite way to refer to someone until you know what pronouns they use. Using the right pronouns to refer to a person shows respect and helps them affirm themselves.

    Deadnames and deadnaming

    A deadname is a name that a trans person was given at birth that they no longer use.

    Deadnaming is when someone uses a trans person's birth name, instead of their chosen name.

    If your child is gender diverse and goes by a different name, you can support them by using that name. Don't use their deadname.

    Gender dysphoria

    Someone with gender incongruence may find living as their assigned sex distressing. This is known as gender dysphoria (Opens in new tab).

    Gender roles and stereotypes do not have a large influence on your child's gender identity. However, they can play a role in dysphoria in children who have gender incongruence. Allowing your child to participate in gender roles that match their gender identity can help.

    Resources and support

    Children and young people can find more information about gender diversity at:

    Parents can find support and lists of services in your state (Opens in new tab) through the Parents of Gender Diverse Children (Opens in new tab) website. Most youth services will also have information on local LGBTIQ+ support groups.

    For additional support, you may like to contact:

    QLife:

    Kids helpline, for young people aged 5-25 years:

    Speak to a maternal child health nurse

    Call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby to speak to a maternal child health nurse on 1800 882 436 (Opens in new tab) or video call. Available 7am to midnight (AET), 7 days a week.

    Last reviewed: July 2024

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