Toddler and the new baby

Having a second baby — or a third or more — can sometimes feel easier than the first. You may feel more confident because you've done it before. You know how to feed, settle and care for a baby.

Along with this confidence comes a new set of challenges. You won't have as much time or energy to focus just on your baby, because your other children need you too.

You might still be recovering after giving birth, trying to cope with housework, missing sleep and settling your new baby into a routine. At the same time, you have other small children who still need your love and attention.

Keeping your toddler happy is a good start. This is why it is important to understand your toddler's reactions to your new baby.

It is important to prepare your toddler for the arrival of a new baby. This can support their sense of security and help them adjust to the changes at home. A smoother transition can benefit the whole family.

Toddlers can sometimes find a new baby hard to understand. From their point of view, everything has changed — and their parents might seem busier or less available.

It's common for toddlers to feel left out or to blame the baby for the changes in their routine. They might also feel pressure to act like a 'big kid' before they're ready. Sometimes, toddlers will regress (become more 'babyish'). They may seem to forget how to use a potty, how to feed themselves or they may cry more than they did before the new baby was born.

This happens because they may be trying to show you that they are still small and still need your attention.

Toddlers need to continue to feel loved, wanted and important, and there are many small ways to achieve this. Grandparents, aunts and uncles can be a great help in making toddlers feel special. It also helps if the parent who is not caring for the new baby can focus on the toddler.

Remember, all toddlers are different. Some toddlers may take it harder or easier than others when a new sibling arrives. Try not to compare your toddler to others and don't blame yourself if your toddler is struggling.

There are many things you can do as a parent to help prepare your toddler for the arrival of their new sibling.

Below are some tips to prepare your toddler during your pregnancy, when they meet their sibling and in the first few weeks after they are born.

Telling your toddler that you are having a baby

Tell your toddler about their new sibling during your pregnancy but not too soon. You can tell them later in your pregnancy, when they can already see your baby bump and body changing.

Toddlers may not understand that a new baby will bring changes to their life. This is normal.

Here are some strategies you can use to help your toddler adjust to the idea of a sibling:

• Talk about 'our baby' and look at baby pictures in albums or on your phone.
• Help your toddler start a scrapbook about babies.
• Read your toddler books about becoming an older sibling.
• Toddlers love to hear stories about themselves when they were small. Consider sharing stories and pictures of them when they were babies.
• If you are planning a hospital birth, start talking about going away to have 'our baby' a little before your due date. Explain what arrangements you've made for your toddler.

Preparing your toddler

If you plan, you can help prevent your toddler from feeling 'replaced' by their new sibling. Here are some tips:

• If you plan to change your toddler's room or their furniture, try to do this early in your pregnancy. Explain that you're doing it because they are growing bigger, not because the new baby will need their cot or bedroom.
• Potty training — it might be easier for you if your toddler is already potty trained before your new baby comes home.
• Encourage your toddler to feed and dress themselves.
• Encourage your toddler to socialise and play with other children, perhaps in a playgroup. This helps them develop the social skills they will need to have a good relationship with their new sibling.

Do not worry if your toddler is not ready to be potty trained or eat independently. Remember that your toddler may go back to old habits for a short while after your baby is born. Some toddlers may do this to attract your attention.

Introducing your toddler to their new sibling

• It is a good idea to arrange for your toddler to visit you and your new baby in the hospital.
• To avoid a difficult goodbye, you might want to surprise your toddler with a gift to open at home or in the car.

Interacting with your toddler once you come home

Here are some tips to help your toddler when you come home from the hospital:

• Make sure your toddler gets lots of attention when you come home.
• Ask someone else to carry your newborn so you can give your toddler a big hug.
• If your toddler is not enthusiastic, remember that they may be feeling hurt, replaced or jealous.
• Ask friends or relatives who visit to first give your toddler attention, and then look at the new baby.
• Play with your toddler, and share games with them and get down to their level. For example, sit on the floor with your toddler to build blocks, or on your tummy, to draw with them.

Juggling a newborn, your toddler and your household can seem overwhelming. Remember, spending time with your toddler is more important than keeping up with housework.

Helping your toddler accept their new sibling during the first few weeks

Below are some tips to help your toddler accept your new baby:

• Allow your toddler to safely hold their new sibling with your help. You can try to sit your toddler on your lap, while they gently hold their sibling.
• Help your toddler feel special and grown-up by making a fuss over them, especially when they are being careful to not hurt the baby.
• Show your toddler how to stroke your baby gently with their palm to prevent accidental poking or scratching.
• Get your toddler involved in caring for their new sibling. Give them a simple job, such as bringing you a nappy or wipes.

These tips allow you to interact positively with your toddler as you care for your baby. They also encourage your toddler to feel like a 'big sibling' with important responsibilities in the family.

Here are some safety tips to make sure your toddler and baby are safe:

• Never leave a toddler alone with a baby. They may be tempted to share their food, which could choke the baby, or rock the pram to stop the crying which may overturn it.
• Install locks and catches high up on doors to keep doors closed when you need to. Door barriers are useful too — you can see over them and the baby can get used to household noise, but they keep the toddler out of the baby's room.

Below are some tips to help manage your toddler while feeding your baby:

• Before you start feeding your baby, do a 'toddler check':
  • Is your toddler busy playing or sleeping?
  • Are they in a safe place?
  • Is the potty handy?
  • Is there a drink or snack within easy reach?
• If your toddler likes to stay with you while you feed your baby, cuddle them or read them a story at the same time.
• Try turning on calming music to make your baby's mealtimes a relaxing experience for all of you.
• Keep your toddler busy with activities — drawing, playing with blocks near you or feeding their own dolls or dress ups.

Feed times can be particularly difficult as it's hard to watch over toddlers while also paying attention to the baby. Toddlers may also feel jealous or frightened and act out by hitting or pulling at the baby. They might also demand attention by grizzling, wetting their pants or wanting you to bring them things.

Making sure that your toddler doesn't feel left out is important, but so is your need for peace and quiet to feed your baby. Find the simplest way that works for you to have relaxing feeding times.

• The Australian Breastfeeding Association has advice on preparing your toddler for the new baby (Opens in new tab), including how to manage breastfeeds with your toddler around.
• If you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) (Opens in new tab) offers support for you and your family during your pregnancy and up to 2 months postpartum. You can call the PANDA national helpline (Opens in new tab) on 1300 726 306.

Languages other than English

Parentline is a free telephone counselling and support service for parents and carers. They offer parenting support for parents from culturally diverse backgrounds (Opens in new tab).

Information for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander peoples

Visit Birthing on Country for information on projects that support Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander babies and their families.

Information for sexually and gender-diverse families

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) offers emotional and mental wellbeing support for LGBTIQA+ parents (Opens in new tab).